When tragedy strikes (August 2021 part 2)

When the doctor is quiet for the first 20 seconds of the ultrasound, you know something is not right. You look up at the screen and watch for that tiny little flicker to appear… it doesn’t.. then moments later, he says, “I’m sorry.” I knew exactly what he meant. My baby was no longer was alive. 

In February of 2021, Mikal and I decided it was time to try for another little one. We had some saving set aside and with the last of the stimulus money coming in, we could pay for another egg retrieval and do IVF. I called the doctor and found out his next session was going to be mid April. 

The middle of February, I started birth control. I was excited and anxious for the procedure this time around. I had an idea of how things would go and hopeful that the doctor would be able to create more embryos this time around. 

The beginning of April, I started the injections. It wasn’t as bad this time around and Dean even enjoyed watching me do all the shots. 

I prepared myself mentally and physically. I was ready. Dean and I headed down to Utah 5 days before the actual procedure. I wanted to make sure I didn’t drive myself crazy taking Dean all by myself on a 11 hour drive. He managed well and slept a good part of our drive. We stopped at my parents one night and then my uncle and aunts in Boise the next. 

We made it to Utah, I got my blood drawn, and went to my ultrasound appointment with the doctor the next day. At that time, they told me that I had a possibility of hyper stimulating. They informed me that they would be able to do the egg retrieval, but then they would freeze my embryos and wait for the next round of IVF they were doing to do the actual transfer of the embryos. I sat there numb from what they were saying. I wasn’t prepared for that. I was expecting to drive home from Utah with an embyro or embryos in my uterus. I cried a majority of the way back to Layton.

I called Mikal. He was flying down to meet us the next day in Utah. I told him the news. He was sad. We had to make different arrangements now since things were not going to go as we had planned after the egg retrieval. 

Saturday- April 17th, 2021- Egg Retrieval Day

The procedure went well. They were able to retreive 13 good eggs. We met Mikal's parents down in Logan after the procedure. We played at the park for a couple hours before we drove down to Lehi to stay at my sister Melissa's. I waited at Melissa's house until I recovered enough to drive Dean and I back to Wenatchee. Thursday came and I couldn't wait any longer to hear from the doctor about the embyros. 10 embryos were able to be created from the 13 mature eggs, but only 2 embyros reached blastocyst. One was good and the other not so great. I was glad for the outcome, but also sad that not more embyros lived... It hurt.

June 2021- Embryo Transfer

The beginning of June, I started taking medication again to prepare my body for the embyro transfer that was going to be happening on June 26th. Mikal was not able to get away from work, so he watched Dean and my mom and I made a quick 2 day trip down to Logan. Everything went smoothly and they were able to transfer both embyros. 

July 6th- Pregnancy Test (blood draw)

Tuesday morning, I woke up early and went and got my blood drawn. I waited until the doctor called me with the results that afternoon. I was pregnant! My number was a lot higher than it was with Dean. I was really happy. He told me to go back in 2 days for another blood draw. 2 day later, my number had more than doubled. I was pleased and over joyed. It was going to work!

As the month went on, around the end of week 5, I started not feeling well. Morning sickness was making its way into the pregnacy. I got pretty sick around week 7 and couldnt get up off the couch and was super nausous. I was never this bad with Dean. Around week 8, I started feeling better again and was able to get up and do a few things. Mikal met with a gal that was an ultrasound tech and he told her about our situation, she said would love to give us an ultrasound for free to tell us if there was one or two babies. We took her up on that offer. We met her at the office and Mikal, Dean and I got to see one little flicker on the screen. We were excited! We were on our way to adding another little one to the family. 

Mikal left for Alaska to go fishing with is Dad for over a week. I ended up getting really sick again while he was gone. I had meals brought in for a few days. That was nice not to have to cook and feel sick. While Mikal was gone, I finally found a doctor to go to. I called and made my first appointment with them. I would be around 11 weeks. 

Meeting my doctor for the first time was pleasant. He has dealt with infertility patients before. We talked about my past pregnancy and what to expect for the future. He then started the ultrasound and was completely taken back when he could not see the heart beat. My gut hit the floor. Just 2 weeks ago there was a heartbeat. How could this have happened to me? Why did this happen to me? 

The doctor measured the baby. The baby was measuring 11 weeks. I was supposed to be just over that. The baby died just within the last couple days. I think back the last couple days and tried to figure out if I did anything that could have caused the baby to die. There wasn’t anything out of the ordinary that came to mind. 

I got dressed and the doctor came back in. We talked about 3 different options for the miscarriage. I listened. I didn’t have to make a decision at the moment. The doctor said I needed to go home and talk it over with Mikal.

Mikal. I have to tell Mikal. I have to break the news to him. I have to tell him we no longer are expecting a little baby. This was going to be hard.

I left the office and the tears finally started flowing. The baby I was carrying was no longer alive. I cupped my little pudgy stomach. I was just beginning to have some cushion on my belly. I ached to hold the baby. I ached for it to be alive and well. I cried the whole 10 minute drive home from the doctor. 

How was I going to tell Mikal? How could I crush him with this sad news? I pulled into the driveway, took multiple deep breaths and opened the front door. He was there on the couch. I went to him with tears streaming down my face and uttered, “the baby died.” We hugged and cried and hugged and cried some more. 

Nothing can prepare you for those moments. They are tough. A couple hours later Mikal texted our parents. I couldn’t bear telling anyone. I wasn’t ready. Mikal and I talked about the 3 options for the miscarriage. We decided the safest option would be doing a D&C. With what has happened to me in the past and being over 10 weeks, we wanted to make sure that we were in a controlled environment for the miscarriage. 

No option was one we wanted. They all sound awful and horrible. That is because they are. Losing a baby is tough, especially since we have invested so much time into trying to bring another little one into our family. It’s not something I ever thought would happen to me. 

We scheduled the D&C for Thursday afternoon. 2 days after finding out the baby was no longer living. I wasn’t allowed to eat that day. I had to make sure there was nothing in my system due to getting anesthesia. 

I was starving all day and anxious/nervous for the procedure. We pulled up to the hospital at 2:30. We checked in, got back into the room and waited. We ended up waiting until 5:00 before I was wheeled off into the operating room. The doctor was a little behind schedule. Mikal left my side and walked to the waiting room while I was in the operating room. The doctor was fully prepared with every precaution for me bleeding. We had told him about the hemorrhaging we had with Dean so he was glad we had informed him because I did end up losing about one unit of blood before he put the balloon in me to help control the bleeding. This meant I was going to have to stay over night at the hospital to be monitored. 

I came to about 7:00 pm. I looked around with tears in my eyes. Not sure if I was waking up from being sad or just being exhausted. I was also starving. I asked for some food. The nurse gave me some saltine crackers and ice chips. It was nice to be able to have something to eat. I called Mikal about 10 minutes after waking up, I told him I was out in recovery and just waiting for a room to be prepared for me. I was still really loopy and out of it. 

After getting out of recovery and up to my room, I didn’t realize till I looked at the bathroom door that I was in the maternity wing. I was sad. There wouldn’t be any writings on the baby side of the board in my room. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I did have a baby. I just suffered a loss of a baby instead. 

I recovered very well that night and it was likely that I would go home early afternoon. The doctor came in the morning to check on things and release some air from the balloon. He came back a couple hours later and released all the air. I ate lunch and after I finished I was able to head home. 

To say this experience was awful, would be an understatement. It was terrible. When something good happens after months of preparation and then it gets ripped away in an instant, is honestly one of the most difficult trials in life. It’s been hard emotionally, physically, mentally and even spiritually. My body and mind have been tested during this time. It can endure pain physically, but emotionally it does not want to endure it. It wants to curl up in a ball and cry. Cry for all the hurt that has happened in 3 days time. 3 days is not what I wanted. I needed more time to grasp what happened, but what needed to be done, had to be done quickly. 

I had lots of time to think in the hospital. The tears come in waves, not all at once. Grieving takes time. It’s not just done and over with by snapping your fingers. Loss is something deep. The Lord is a safe place. He knows. He feels. He suffered. Worse than I ever have or will in this life. 

Mikal and I comfort each other and make sure that we are both okay. We will get to see this little one again. Maybe all this little spirit needed was a perfect body in the womb and didn’t need to come into this crazy, unpredictable world. 

You may lose a love, but they will never be forgotten. 

My heart goes out to all those families who have lost a child, had a still born or miscarriage. You may never know why they happen, but allowing the Lord to help you overcome the grief and suffering will make it so much lighter in your life. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart.” ❤️